An Unexpected Change

So, I was watching the movie “Shooter” the other day and part way through I noticed that I wasn’t enjoying the “awesome” killing scenes as much as everyone else. I probably usually would have liked them since the movie is well-done and the good guy is getting the bad guys. However, for some reason I just didn’t relish is the scenes as much as others in the room and as much as I would have before. Before what? Well, I realized later what the difference was and what had changed since the last similar movie I had watched and enjoyed.

The difference has to do with the last post, about “Calling One.” During my Pediatrics ICU rotation, I saw more death and dying than I have ever before in my life. Some of it was kids that were already on their way out and who had major problems from birth. Much of it was “senseless” death, if there is such a thing. When one of the residents remarked at how many of our kids were dying or coming in already pretty much dead, I asked if this was normal. They said that the last few weeks (my only weeks there) were the worst they’ve seen ever in terms of the number of dying and critically ill children. Since it was all I had known, I didn’t have anything to compare it to. I was glad to know that this isn’t the norm in the PICU, or it would be a very difficult place to work every day.

However, I just finished the rotation yesterday and the last week was much better in terms of how many kids were passing on. I could tell the morale of the team was higher and rounds were more livable. However, I think those weeks when we had kids dying every other day from things like bleeding out from a tooth extraction, SIDS deaths, and RSV complications have given me a new perspective on death and killing. With all that happened in the PICU, it didn’t deaden my reaction to movie death/killing, it actually heightened it. I’m sure that before this rotation, I would have enjoyed that movie just as much as everyone else. I’m interested to see what happens in the long term, and part of me hopes that I never enjoy those movies as much as I used to.